Today is my 24th birthday! I feel so freaking old! I know I’m NOT old but I feel like I am. I still feel like I’m 16 and and can’t wait for the day where I’m 18 and move out and do my own thing. I had a pretty rough childhood, but who hasn’t right?
I think what gets me down the most around and on my birthday, is my father. I was a daddy’s girl up until I was about 4ish. Only after a few months of my sister being born, my dad decided to leave us all because as he put it, “I don’t know what I want.” I guess him being confused meant it was okay to just walk away and turn his back on his family. I grew up not knowing him and barely hearing from or seeing him. It really fucked with me as a adolescent and it still fucks with me a little. I used to be attached to his hip but after he left, our whole family fell apart. I hated my mother because I felt like it was her fault for not trying hard enough to get him back. I was young and didn’t understand the situation but I of course now comprehend what actually went down and I don’t hate her for it. She was really strong and tried her best to keep us afloat.
I get so bummed because my dad sucks at being a father and he can’t remember my birthday or any holiday to save his life. I’m not close to hardly anyone in my family except my sisters and I’ve accepted that but my dad just gets under my skin and I can’t get rid of it.
I did “re-meet” him about a year ago when I was living in Florida and that was awkward. I had found out from my grandmother (my dad’s mom) that my dad had moved to Florida again and conveniently was only an hour away from me. I thought about it for awhile and then I decided to put the hard feelings behind me and give him a call. I’ve always been very mature and I figured there was no sense going through life with a grudge and so much hate towards someone. I wanted to be the bigger person, tell him how I felt, within reason, and hope that we could move forward in a good direction and make up for lost times. Life is short and I wanted to have my family back, whether it was separated or not, it didn’t matter.
When I gave him that call, it was a very confusing and awkward call but he said he was happy I got in touch with him. He told me I had 2 step-brothers and 2 step-sisters that I needed to meet and they had already known about me and were excited to know their big sister. I love kids, especially siblings, so I was beyond excited to meet them as well.
I went there for the first time and couldn’t have been more nervous. It was so weird being nervous to see family. Aren’t they supposed to be the ones where you feel the most comfortable around? The kids were freaking adorable and we bonded almost right away! My dad was being extremely weird and kept asking what was wrong. I suppose he expected us to bond right away as well, but there was too much negative history for that to happen. The longer I stayed, the more I wanted to punch him in the face. I tried so hard to put a smile on my face but he didn’t want to talk about the past, he just wanted to pretend like nothing ever happened. He really fucked up my mom, grandmother (my mom’s mom, I lived with her until she passed away in ‘04), sister and my life, and made it extremely hard to survive. I wanted answers and most of all, I wanted an apology. I don’t have any children at the moment and I’m not a guy but I don’t see how someone could walk away from their children like that and be able to go on and completely forget that they even exist.
I went back a few times and even took care of the kids for a week because his new girlfriend was out of town and he needed my help. I took time off of work (when I really needed the money) and I never got a thank you. I felt like he was just using me to take care of the kids and as much as I loved them and wanted to get to know them better and be in their lives as much as possible, I had to take myself out of that situation. My dad wasn’t sorry and he could care less how I felt. I was really hoping that we would make some progress but I felt like we took 10 steps backwards instead. He’ll never change and I really feel bad for my brothers and sisters. I don’t want them to have to grow up and have to deal with such a shitty dad but as much as I want to step in and save them, I can’t. It’s not my battle and even though he’s put me in such emotional turmoil, I’m a much stronger person today because of it. When the time comes for me to have children, I will make sure I will always be there for them and no matter what, I will never turn my back on them, I think the only gift he ever gave me was the gift of knowing how great of a mother I want to be when I have children. That’s it though. As far as I’m concerned, he can fall off of the planet. I have no desire to see him again and he will NOT be invited to my wedding or a part of his future grandchildren’s lives.
Birthdays for me aren’t like everyone else’s. I have crazy thoughts going through my head because even though I’m happy with the way my life has turned out so far, I can’t help but think about what COULD have been. I’m kind of on the fence as to if I really want my father to call me on my birthday but since he hasn’t been around for it for 20 years, I’m not expecting my phone to ring. I think I’m okay with that too because my birthday and this past weekend has gone very well without him. I survived this long without him so I think I’ll be alright.
Onto some positive news, if you look to the top left of my blog you will see a little section that says “My Biggest Fans”. That little section is my top ten fans that have left me the most comments since I started this blog. I did that because you all know how much I appreciate the support you guys show. I really wanted to showcase those that take that extra moment to show their love and support towards my blog. That list will update every month with the new top 10 people that comment (it does it automatically) so each month I will be giving a little prize to the one who is on top. I was trying to think of what I was going to give out this month but I want to know what YOU would want if you were the winner?! Do you want a pair of panties? Autographed picture/movie? I don’t know, you tell me! And keep it within reason guys, I’m not wonder woman over here and can’t make just anything happen! So if YOU are on that list right now, and/or want to be in that #1 spot to win a gift from me, give me suggestions on what you’d want and make sure you comment and show your support. Also, I will keep an eye on the comments, one word comments are lame so don’t cheat. I want to show my love to those of you that really care and have been supportive! Love you all and leave me all of your suggestions asap so I can get it together for you! xoxo
Your IP Address is:
38.107.191.119
Monday, 23. November 2009
That’s a sad story about your relationship with your dad. It has made you a stronger person as a result so always be proud of that. I’d advise you to always stay involved in your step sibblings’ lives. You know what they are going to go through and even if you can’t be there for them physically they are likely going to need a shoulder to cry on (even if it’s over the phone).
Happy Birthday beautiful, I hope you have many many many more
Monday, 23. November 2009
Lot of heavy stuff there, that I really don’t feel qualified to comment on, but thank you for sharing. Being a bit selfish, but saw you were from Florida? I’m near Tampa, and I’ll add you to the list of beautiful women I didn’t get to meet until after they left the state ^_^
As for the list, those gifts sound pretty fine. 8×10’s and panties seem to be pretty popular with the pornstar fanbase, and I’ve always been a fan of fansigns as a nice, little more personal treat.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v422/theSpecre/other/sd2wb32.jpg
Monday, 23. November 2009
Hey, best think I could tell you about your parents/family is that you don’t choose them, you’re born into it…so, as it seems you’ve done, you gotta make the best of it and don’t let them take adavantage of you.
Helping is great, but you can’t let the
take you for granted.
Anyways, happy birthday again, and enjoy it, and your Thanksgiving, even though you’ll probably blog before then.
Monday, 23. November 2009
I hope you have a great birthday. All families are filled with both love and disappointment. I’m sorry that your father just wasn’t ready to be a dad.
As for gifts, I like DVD’s, so an autographed DVD would float my boat.
Monday, 23. November 2009
I want be #3 on your list. Personalized vid is also nice stuff. These would help me stretch my IP Band before running. Love your TITTies
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Happy Birthday and sorry about your dad. No point dwelling in the past because it wont help your future. Also your dad is a douche!
A random thought when I happened to see a picture of you. I thought you looked like Hilary Duff from a certain angle. Did you ever get that comment before? Just a random thought.
Happy Birthday!!!
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Mark949,
I keep getting people saying that I look like Hilary. I guess I can see it a very very tiny bit in my face but other then tat I dont see it! But thanks
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Really big fan! Like they say what doesn’t kill you makes you strnger! I’m from Florida and wish I could of met you. Hope you have a great thanksgiving and happy holidays!!!
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Mrkicks,
I’ll be coming back too Florida to visit every once and while so maybe we’ll have to meet up. You’ll be able to find me at the beach when i come into town! lol
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Hey there Sierra i want to wish my very best wishes of youre birthday,
and my Heart is with youre understanding of youre goals in life and working in the industry and i want the very very very best wishes for you in it and i thank you for chatting with me and others who have gotten to know you as i am learning about you and youre smiles nick should be like Sierra Smiles you re smile is most precious and endless to a mile that has no limits … btw how can i join youre site i looked into the webmasters program to help if i can sponser you when back on east coast maybe to charlotte nc… aand i just wished i could get more ppl to twitter me under my name but oh well i ll take it one by one God Bless Sierra and youre loved ones say hi to Bailey lol and other ones
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Happy Holidays too All of you
my twitter name is is Delwin_III_1853 read above me Hope you liked my comment 
;-P (_!_)
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Hey Sierra. Sorry to hear about your childhood not being the best. But you just have to be thankful for what you have today. I know I am and things weren’t easy for me growing up. I want to thank you for sharing your story though. I think it’s awesome that you are willing to share something like that with us and I appreciate everytime you post an update. As we can see I’m on top of the list. As for a “gift” I have no idea. It’s awesome that you want to reward those who comment but really I comment because I want too. I enjoy reading your blog and will continue to do so whetherr I’m on top or out posted. I just wish you the most success. Take care.
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Hey girl… I just read your post for your birthday talking about your dad and all and I just had to write how moved I was. I would give you the biggest hug if I could right now!! I had an on and off situation with my dad too and I sure know somewhat how you feel. I’ll share with you sometime if you want? Anyway, I sure hope you had a super fantastic awesome birthday!! You are such a beautiful girl and a sweet person and I’m glad we have a connection now!!!
Hugs and Kisses….
Khristy xoxo : )
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Sierra,
Happy Birthday! Don’t let your relationship with your dad get you down. Just think of all the people that are there for you and love you.
xoxo,
Carson
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Sorry about how things turned out with your dad. I went through some of that, too. My mother had to kick him out when I was 15 months old(too controlling and started turning physically abusive). He made me a near-promise to come visit me when I was staying at my grandmother’s during Desert Storm – guess how that one turned out, of course. Nice thing to do to an 8-year old who’s not got his mother around, I tell ya.
I finally actually “met” him when I was 17 – and it was such a non-event I just don’t remember much at all about it. Actually, even with some pending trouble over my head, I felt like more of an adult than he was, and he’s 22 years older than me. We were in touch a bit when I was 19, too… and of course that lasted a couple months, tops.
So then just this past summer, when he tracked me down on livejournal – I’d had enough. If I wanted a person that was just going to be in an out of my life like that, I certainly wouldn’t be looking to him. I’ve got friends for that, I live in a military town, after all. =P So I finally stood up for myself and told him “I’m 27 now. You’ve come and gone from my life multiple times and never bothered to explain yourself. Why should I invest myself in someone who’s got such a horrible track record of staying involved in my life?” Haven’t heard from him since. =D
So – there’s definitely people who know how you feel on this.
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Hey hun i hope that your birthday went with a bang! Sorry to hear about your dad! i can empathise with what your saying as my dad left my mum 4 years ago. Know i know i’m a lot older than when your dad left you! but mine left for a girl younger than you! which has really messed up my head!
talk soon x
But anyway look after yourself! have fun and make the most of every opportunity that comes your way! Cause you never know whats round the bend!
Tuesday, 24. November 2009
Hey Baby!!! First things first… HHHHAAAPPPYYYY Birthday…. Even though you had dificult times with your father and all that, just as you said, everyone has problems as well, but the thing impresses me the most is that you are such bigger person for putting all this thing behind you even though you have all the reasons to punch this guy in the face you didn’t do it, and that my beautiful lady shows you are so much better than him, and you know, parents always want us to be better than them. Even if he doesn’t deserve to have your attention he got it and I bet you he can’t be more proud of his little girl that became a wonderful woman that can stand on her own on difficult times… so, cheer up girl.. there is definitely more to come!!
About the gift, i will be as happy as anyone can be with even a little post it from you with a kiss from your delicious lips.. but gotta tell you, you idea about the worn panties is awesome (you always have the best of the ideas).
BTW… I’ll be checking your wish list to see what I can get you in return!!
Love you!
Wednesday, 25. November 2009
Oh, and since I forgot: Autographed picture, maybe of you half in/out of a costume of some sort.
Wednesday, 25. November 2009
Happy birthday sexy!! Hope you have a great year!!