For those of you that are confused as to how this works, each month I have a counter that is used through my wordpress that reocrds everyone that comments. After the month is over, the counter resets on the 1st. It only records the top 10, so the more you comment, the higher you’ll climb obviously. Some of you guys are amazing and it’s hard to keep up with all of your comments, but nonetheless, I love every single one!

If you’re one of those that just stops by to check my blog out every now and then but doesn’t comment, that’s cool.  I of course would like to hear what you have to say and even more, get to know you a lot better. No pressure The good thing about commenting though is that I want to share the love back to those that take the time and enjoy commenting. The other day I told you guys about the contest. Last night I wrote down the top 10, and here they are in the order that it was recorded for the month of January:

Matt

Khristy Creams

j.d.

Lord Sotirod

bignaz2009

Lucius66

bouges

kelaniUK

mark

TwittersMrhayes2779

If you are on this list, you get an autograph! Yay, go you!

What I need from you is to email me at sierraskyelive@gmail.com with your address or where you want me to send it, your name so I make sure it gets to you and what you would like me to write on the 5×7 photo I will be sending to you. Make sure it’s not some long request because I don’t have unlimited space to write

Congrats to those top 10 and like I said, if you aren’t on the list, don’t fret! Today starts a brand new month and the names always change throughout the month. You have 28 days to get your name on there to win next month’s contest!

Thanks again to everyone that shows me support. I know you don’t HAVE to comment so I appreciate when you do. I really do love you guys so much! Thank you <3

^That’s what the lucky winners have won! It’s only blurry because of my camera

Today is my 24th birthday! I feel so freaking old! I know I’m NOT old but I feel like I am. I still feel like I’m 16 and and can’t wait for the day where I’m 18 and move out and do my own thing. I had a pretty rough childhood, but who hasn’t right?
I think what gets me down the most around and on my birthday, is my father. I was a daddy’s girl up until I was about 4ish. Only after a few months of my sister being born, my dad decided to leave us all because as he put it, “I don’t know what I want.” I guess him being confused meant it was okay to just walk away and turn his back on his family. I grew up not knowing him and barely hearing from or seeing him. It really fucked with me as a adolescent and it still fucks with me a little. I used to be attached to his hip but after he left, our whole family fell apart. I hated my mother because I felt like it was her fault for not trying hard enough to get him back. I was young and didn’t understand the situation but I of course now comprehend what actually went down and I don’t hate her for it. She was really strong and tried her best to keep us afloat.
I get so bummed because my dad sucks at being a father and he can’t remember my birthday or any holiday to save his life. I’m not close to hardly anyone in my family except my sisters and I’ve accepted that but my dad just gets under my skin and I can’t get rid of it.
I did “re-meet” him about a year ago when I was living in Florida and that was awkward. I had found out from my grandmother (my dad’s mom) that my dad had moved to Florida again and conveniently was only an hour away from me. I thought about it for awhile and then I decided to put the hard feelings behind me and give him a call. I’ve always been very mature and I figured there was no sense going through life with a grudge and so much hate towards someone. I wanted to be the bigger person, tell him how I felt, within reason, and hope that we could move forward in a good direction and make up for lost times. Life is short and I wanted to have my family back, whether it was separated or not, it didn’t matter.
When I gave him that call, it was a very confusing and awkward call but he said he was happy I got in touch with him. He told me I had 2 step-brothers and 2 step-sisters that I needed to meet and they had already known about me and were excited to know their big sister. I love kids, especially siblings, so I was beyond excited to meet them as well.
I went there for the first time and couldn’t have been more nervous. It was so weird being nervous to see family. Aren’t they supposed to be the ones where you feel the most comfortable around? The kids were freaking adorable and we bonded almost right away! My dad was being extremely weird and kept asking what was wrong. I suppose he expected us to bond right away as well, but there was too much negative history for that to happen. The longer I stayed, the more I wanted to punch him in the face. I tried so hard to put a smile on my face but he didn’t want to talk about the past, he just wanted to pretend like nothing ever happened. He really fucked up my mom, grandmother (my mom’s mom, I lived with her until she passed away in ‘04), sister and my life, and made it extremely hard to survive. I wanted answers and most of all, I wanted an apology. I don’t have any children at the moment and I’m not a guy but I don’t see how someone could walk away from their children like that and be able to go on and completely forget that they even exist.
I went back a few times and even took care of the kids for a week because his new girlfriend was out of town and he needed my help. I took time off of work (when I really needed the money) and I never got a thank you. I felt like he was just using me to take care of the kids and as much as I loved them and wanted to get to know them better and be in their lives as much as possible, I had to take myself out of that situation. My dad wasn’t sorry and he could care less how I felt. I was really hoping that we would make some progress but I felt like we took 10 steps backwards instead. He’ll never change and I really feel bad for my brothers and sisters. I don’t want them to have to grow up and have to deal with such a shitty dad but as much as I want to step in and save them, I can’t. It’s not my battle and even though he’s put me in such emotional turmoil, I’m a much stronger person today because of it. When the time comes for me to have children, I will make sure I will always be there for them and no matter what, I will never turn my back on them, I think the only gift he ever gave me was the gift of knowing how great of a mother I want to be when I have children. That’s it though. As far as I’m concerned, he can fall off of the planet. I have no desire to see him again and he will NOT be invited to my wedding or a part of his future grandchildren’s lives.
Birthdays for me aren’t like everyone else’s. I have crazy thoughts going through my head because even though I’m happy with the way my life has turned out so far, I can’t help but think about what COULD have been. I’m kind of on the fence as to if I really want my father to call me on my birthday but since he hasn’t been around for it for 20 years, I’m not expecting my phone to ring. I think I’m okay with that too because my birthday and this past weekend has gone very well without him. I survived this long without him so I think I’ll be alright.

Onto some positive news, if you look to the top left of my blog you will see a little section that says “My Biggest Fans”. That little section is my top ten fans that have left me the most comments since I started this blog. I did that because you all know how much I appreciate the support you guys show. I really wanted to showcase those that take that extra moment to show their love and support towards my blog. That list will update every month with the new top 10 people that comment (it does it automatically) so each month I will be giving a little prize to the one who is on top. I was trying to think of what I was going to give out this month but I want to know what YOU would want if you were the winner?! Do you want a pair of panties? Autographed picture/movie? I don’t know, you tell me! And keep it within reason guys, I’m not wonder woman over here and can’t make just anything happen! So if YOU are on that list right now, and/or want to be in that #1 spot to win a gift from me, give me suggestions on what you’d want and make sure you comment and show your support. Also, I will keep an eye on the comments, one word comments are lame so don’t cheat. I want to show my love to those of you that really care and have been supportive! Love you all and leave me all of your suggestions asap so I can get it together for you! xoxo